Written June 26th

My appointment didn't go well.
I guess I didn't have a lot of confidence in this pregnancy from the beginning. I wish I had...at this point there is a part of me that thinks maybe thing would have turned out differently.
My appointment was at 1:30 on Thursday afternoon. T couldn't be there due to a business trip to Reno. It was a typical appointment. Pee here. B/P looks great. And then everything went horribly wrong. The doctor said he would like to do a v. probe ultra-sound because of the age of the pregnancy. I thought, "Great another chance to see my babe." As soon as the picture of my uterus hit the screen, I could tell there was no heart-beat. Dr. B probably spent another 9-11 minutes looking. So, he took a measurement and found the fetus had not grown from the time of the last appointment.
I just wanted T. Dr. B was awesome. He said we could precede however I wanted to. I said I would like another ultrasound in a couple of days and he said that would be fine and we scheduled it for Monday.
T. rushed home from Reno, friends came to my side until he could get here. My mom offered to fly here to be with me and my in-laws traveled down to take care of our son until I could regroup.
Time heals. At this point I come and go. I spent some time confused as to where this baby will fit in our family. And now, Sunday evening, if things are really over, I just want my body to release the pregnancy.

I wrote this post for my pregnancy journal. Apparently it helped me process, because later that evening I miscarried naturally. It was hard, but time does heal, and I will not question that I am in the hands of God.